meg's garden: Cat Tales

Friday Funnies

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 00:52:30 GMT

Feline Physics Laws

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

Wordless Wednesday

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 01:33:01 GMT

It looked so simple on TV!

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:29:51 GMT

I have passed on all the congratulations to Sam, & yes, I do know how fortunate I am to have a son like him (even if he does occasionally drive me to drink Glenfiddich straight from the bottle!) Plus, I’ve learned that the proverbial apple doesn’t fall far from the tree: this morning, Chris had to do a road call to Modesto first thing, so he didn’t have to leave as early; while I was in the shower, he made breakfast for all of us- bacon, maple sausage, blueberry muffins, & cranberry compote (the 2^nd batch I made- we love the stuff)

We got the headboard finished Monday night & I have to tell you, it turned into a typical family circus event. As I’ve mentioned, there are three hairless felines & three furry people in our house, so anything as important as a change in the main sleeping abode warrants full participation from every member. The board is 6 X 4 foot, with rounded corners on top, which was to be swathed in two layers of batting, topped by a fabric cover with some simple trim. Because the weather has turned cold, instead of working in the garage, we decided to assemble the headboard sandwich on the dining room table.

Once all the supplies were accumulated, the inspection commenced- each cat had to look in each box, crawl into every bag, lounge-test the fabric, sniff the tools, & naturally, drag the trim all over the living room.

After we re-assembled the supplies, the first step was to spray adhesive on the board so the batting would stay in place whilst I stretched & pulled the fabric into place. Have I ever mentioned that the cats have a strong aversion to any kind of spraying devise? I didn’t think it was possible, but 3 animals went in 7 different directions in the matter of seconds. Since this stuff was rather odorous, I opened the doors & windows, so we had to bundle up in coats while we worked; Sam stood with a piece of cardboard against the edges of the board while Chris sprayed the glue- so, of course, every exposed area of skin (ie, hands, face, hair) is being lightly coated with sticky adhesive. Once the spraying stopped, our curious little Dahlia was right back in the middle of everything- literally. Before anyone could grab her, she leaped on to the glue coated board, realized she didn’t like the feel of this stuff, & tried to walk away, but her paws were tacky; she looked like she was walking thru snow or wet grass- step, lift paw, shake- with all fours. As soon as I quit giggling, I took Dahlia into the kitchen to wash off her paws, accompanied by pitiful wailings from her & sympathetic mutterings from Poppy, who hates to see anyone in distress.

So now we are ready to attach the fabric. We measure,

spread,

adjust,

confer,

re-measure,

spread again,

consult,

argue,

re-re-measure,

fiddle,

fudge,

then finally begin to staple. Chris lies under the table, on his back, with the staple gun; along side him is Daisy, in her basket. She is an old lady- about 13 years- rather arthritic & weighting in at 16 pounds; she doesn’t move around much & spends most of her days in her basket. It was obvious to her that she wasn’t going to move (though she did flinch every time he shot the staple gun) so Chris just scooted around her; but every time he moved too close to the basket, she would “Mew!” & either pop him on the head or lick his hair. Meanwhile, while I am pulling, folding, & holding the fabric in place for Chris to attach (narrowly missing my fingers) Sam is alternately plucking Poppy off of the headboard, where she is trying to settle in for a nap & nursing session, & moving Dahlia off Chris’ chest, where she is supervising his work, grabbing at stray threads, & tickling his face with her tail.

Amazingly, we manage to finish without any trips to the emergency room or the liquor cabinet. Sam went up stairs to wash off all the spray adhesive, bits of thread, batting, & staples that had attached themselves to his skin. All that is left is to glue on the trim… which I find is a full 36 inches too short. Okay- not a problem- that part of the board will be behind the bed, so no one will ever see the trim anyway. Except, I will know it’s not completed. Have I mentioned I’m an anal accounting geek & seriously don’t like shortcuts? It is 7:45 pm & I’m considering a run to Walmart to see if I can find another trim that would match (since we don’t have a fabric store in town & the Michael’s is closed due to a fire last week). Cooler heads prevailed (Chris said “You are not going anywhere!)- I fought my nature & glued the trim from the top down, securing it with pins to dry. Ten minutes later, as I sat in the living room with a glass of wine & two Oreo Double Stuff cookies to placate me, Dahlia strolled in… with the trim in her mouth & draped across her back. The trim covered with glue. Which is now drying. My first mistake was to yell, “Turbo- you stupid cat!”; the second was to start chasing her. It took all three of us to find her, catch her, & the cut the trim out of her fur.

When all was said & done, we have a passably attractive headboard, & Dahlia is sporting an interesting haircut. The last little bit was taking the headboard upstairs last night. We maneuvered it up the stairs, around 3 sharp corners & into place against the wall, where fastened it with brackets to the foot moldings. It was then I realized that the solid headboard would be blocking the only outlet on that wall (which we never use). The outlet that will be needed for the pump on our new bed. Our new bed that Chris doesn’t know about yet. CRAP! So now I have to convince him that we have to remove the headboard & cut a hole in it to free up the outlet, all with out spilling the beans- it came down to me insisting on doing things correctly. With a great deal of muttering about stubborn women, the boys took the headboard back down to the garage, cut the hole, re-attached the fabric neatly around the opening, haul it back upstairs & screwed it back to the wall.

Ah, the things we do for love!

BTW- Chelle, darling, if you drop by- I'm not ignoring you! I haven't been able to get on your site for 3 weeks!

Cat got your mouse?

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 16:01:17 GMT

Dahlia here ; the staff has left this fun, blinking thing on & are occupied cleaning our commodes, so I’ve decided to let the world know what really goes on here in “meg’s garden” You know, life here is pretty good, even though I’m the youngest & have to be submissive to Princess Poppy (butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but I know for a fact she was the one who unwound the entire roll of paper towels last week) & the Queen Mum Daisy (I think she really likes me- she sniffed my butt yesterday & didn’t hit me at all) The staff is accommodating to our needs, besides the teeth brushing & nail clipping part, but the Mom Boss (you know, the short one with dark hair & the high voice) will be insubordinate, removing me from the kitchen counter & not letting me have first lick on the contents of her bowl.. The other two hairless ones are easily trained: I just open my eyes real wide, cock my head to the side, & give them one of my patented pathetic “meeuw?” & they do whatever I want- Boss Mom doesn’t buy it & squirts me with water!

Well, this week was just the limit! The Young One brought out my favorite toy- the box thing with the handle. I played in it happily all day, but when Boss Mom got home, I got the impression she wanted me to go into the box & stay there, so I high-tailed it upstairs to one of my many hiding spots. You should have heard the shocking language she used, while trying to find my current location- she even threatened to tie my tail in a knot if I didn’t show myself immediately! Unfortunately, my pretty little bell gave me away- she found me curled up inside the garment bag, under the skirt of her red ball gown- & I was un-ceremonially dumped into the box & taken out to the car. I hate the car. I let Boss Mom know I was displeased by yowling, but with the way my voice sounds, an indignant “Yowr!” comes out as “Aww?” & she just says “Aww?” back (for all their size, tools, & language, humans are not very bright!) She carried me into this building, which had a bunch of odd smells, loud voices, & strange cats wondering around, then took me into a room, & dumped me out of the box onto a metal table (will you make up your mind, please!) A woman I had never seen starts man-handling me, looking in my ears & mouth, mussing my fur & lifting my tail- & all this time, Boss Mom is just standing there, telling this woman how much I eat, where I sleep, even how much I poop (is nothing private?) Next thing I know, they are holding me down & the strange woman pokes both my hind legs with needles, then uses this air-popping thing on my thigh- scared me half to death- but I didn’t make a sound! She did say how brave & pretty I am, so I didn’t bite or hiss at her, but I was ready to get the heck out of Dodge, so back into the box I went. I was feeling a little woozy, so I didn’t say too much on the ride back to the house- when I climbed out of the box (again!) Poppy was there to give me sympathy & a good bath. You know, what ever that stuff was just put me off my stride for a full day- I didn’t shred any tissue paper, didn’t climb on top of the bird cage, didn’t even go digging into the treat drawer. I just wanted to sleep, but Boss Mom or the Big Man kept picking me up & asking if I was okay- like I said, they are not too bright.

I see Dahlia has been reading too much Rita Mae & Sneaky Pie Brown- thinks she is going to take over my blog! She was really a good girl at the vet, but she was behaving so out of character- quiet & stationary- I was a bit worried & kept waking her up to make sure she wasn’t in a coma. Twenty-four hours & regular doses of kitty treats saw her back to her normal Turbo self.

Wednesday evening was the Garden Club holiday party & I got the tote bag done just in time. Spouses were invited & we took rolls, butter, & chocolate chip cookies for the potluck dinner. After we ate, the ladies did the “Steal the Gift” exchange- my gift was wrapped plainly in a white box, so was almost the last one picked. I do have to say, it was very popular & was “stolen” several times, along with several other cool things. I ended up with a great set of chicken-themed gifts, including a timer that crows! Our hostess was disappointed when I stole it back from her, but the lady who brought it told me she had found it at a gift shop in Sutter Creek, so I’ll have to pick another one up for Jenn when we take our annual day trip up there in December.

Well, I have to go console Dahlia- her favorite person, Chris, left for Orlando for ten days & she is sitting in the front window, staring at his car, waiting for him to come inside. This trip came up suddenly- management asked him on Tuesday evening & he left Friday afternoon- but the overtime will definitely come in handy just before the holidays & our trip to New Mexico. Of course, with Chris gone I can get some serious holiday knitting done, but I need to put another blanket on the bed since he is my human space heater, & the weather has turned rather chilly.

Flowers in my Garden

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 21:23:50 GMT

No, I’m not writing about my garden trials. This entry is in honor of the anniversary/birthday of 2 little beings that entered our world last year, bringing chaos, laughter & joy in their wake. Since I’m sure they will be featured in my blog (because I’m stupid about my cats), I figured I should introduce the hairier members of our family. There are more photos in the "Feline Flowers" album.

Genus: Feline Rotundus Common Name: Daisy

Aka: Daisy-do; Ms Toots; Tubbers; Queen Mum

At age 12, Daisy is the senior member of our cat family; weighing in at nearly 16 lbs, she is also the largest. She was a single mother with 4 kittens, who was dumped at the animal shelter. When we met her, her kittens had all been adopted & she was all alone. Chris was bent down at the bank of cages, looking at the cage under Daisy’s, when she reached out thru the bars, put a paw on either side of his head & started licking his hair. This, of course, got his attention, so he took her out of her cage; the shameless hussy climbed inside his shirt & started purring. Well, he was hooked!

Daisy is a mellow, even-tempered lady with very few idiosyncrasies. She spends most of her days laying in her basket by the window, taking token swipes at the kittens, or laying in the living room when someone is home; once a month, she’ll actually climb into a lap. She is not fond of the outside & will only go out under protest, but she will sit in the window for hours watching the birds & make bird calls. Her only form of exercise is walking upstairs in the morning to make sure I’m up & about to feed her. All I have to do is say “Food?” & move toward the stairs, & she will rush down to the kitchen; if I don’t follow right away, she’ll come back up to stare at me. We will follow this scenario 2 or 3 times before she finally catches on. As you may have gathered, Daisy-Do is very sweet, but not the brightest bulb in the chandelier; she will regularly stand at sliding glass door at night, poofed up, pacing back & forth, & howling bloody blue murder at….Her own reflection!

Genus: Feline Eccentricus Common Name: Poppy

Aka: Pops; Mama Kitty; Calendar Girl

We adopted Poppy at the age of 3 months last August from the local animal shelter. She was ostensibly a gift for Chris’ birthday, but really she was for me! I’ve always wanted a female marmalade cat, but they are difficult to find; most marmalades are male. Poppy is laid back & affectionate, but will only hang out with you on her terms. She’s our little eccentric; the stories are legion. Most notable of her little foibles are as follows:

1) She will nurse herself to sleep. She will lie in bed between Chris & I, curled in a ball under the sheet, & start sucking away, making a lot of noise. It only goes on for 15-20 seconds, until she gets comfortable, then she purrs like crazy & falls asleep.

2) She will pin the youngest cat down by laying on her, and then spend 10 minutes washing her ears.

3) She is into Fang Shui- she will move items around the house, like bookmarks, knitting needles, or a single flower from an arrangement; she removes the thumbtacks on the posters that Sam tries to hang in his room, but leaves the picture of the owl alone; & she creates custom lace toilet paper for us by biting the roll in strategic areas.

4) She waits to be carried to her food bowl in the morning. When I feed the cats, two of them will rush in & start gobbling, but Pops will just sit in a chair at the table & look at me. Since the others will eat everything in sight, I have to pick her up & set her in front of her bowl- then she starts eating!

Poppy also likes to sit on the desk & watch the screen while I’m on the computer, will chew the tip of only one in a set of knitting needles, likes to wear her leash harness even in the house, & can jump over 4 ft in the air & catch a fly with her front paws.

Genus: Feline Chaoticus Common Name: Dahlia

Aka: Dilly-Dally; Boobus; Turbo; @*%?!Cat

Dahlia is our birthday girl- one year old in August. We found her at an animal rescue adoption fair at PetSmart around Halloween. We weren’t planning on getting a cat that day- we just like watching the kittens. Even though she isn’t traditionally pretty (face it, she’s a homely mutt, like the Lord couldn’t decide what to do with her, so just threw in everything) she caught Chris’ heart. He paused to watch her play with her invisible friend (she still does that); she stopped, walked up to the window, cocked her head to the side & just stared at him. He, of course, stared back- when I walked up, they were nose to nose against the window, meowing at each other. We went in to hold her & were deafened by the purring- but she was a major squirmier, wanting to go & do, climbing, teething on Chris’ finger. The lady running the fair that day said she was a sweetie, but would probably be difficult to manage & would drive our older cats crazy (ever hear of persuasive selling, dear?) We left her there- I mean, we already had 3 cats. Since it was Sunday afternoon, we went home to take a nap; usually, Chris falls asleep quickly, but he couldn’t settle down. Every couple minutes, he would say something like “ She’s really a good kitten- she’ll find a home”; then later “But she is kind of funny looking- what if nobody picks her up?”; then “ Her personality will win anyone over”; then “That woman doesn’t appreciate her- she’ll scare people off”. After 45 minutes of this, I looked him in the eye & said, “Do you want to go back & adopt her?” He sheepishly replied, “Yes”, so back to PetSmart & home with our 4^th cat.

She is the happiest cat- but, Lord, can she wear you out! We call her Turbo because she only has 2 speeds- fast & sleep. She is also the clumsiest cat I’ve ever seen- she is forever overshooting her leap-landings, falling off the end of the bed or the back of the sofa, & going ass over tea kettle down the stairs- hence, the nickname Boobus- short for BooBoo Kitty. Chris calls her Dog-Cat, because she loves to play fetch & digs in the garbage can. Her last AKA is the result of her habit of always being under foot- I’ll lost count of the number of times tripped over or stepped on her- & for wreaking havoc on indoor plants.

We have a 4th cat, named Violet, of whom I don't have many pictures. She was another shelter cat, adopted 5 years ago in August; she is our only de-clawed cat (don't get me started about that barbaric practice!) She is a real sweetheart & wants to sit on your lap & be petted; regrettably, she had someone cruel in her background, therefore she is very skittish & nervous. She is our little paranoid/schizophenic; any sudden movement, random noise or unsolicited petting, & she will flinch, hiss & run off to hide. Unfortunately, since getting the kittens last year, this behavior has become commonplace; Violet has taken to walking around the house, checking in corners & behind doors, muttering (yes, she actually mutters under her breath- kitty cuss words, I believe)& spitting at no one in particular. When she started missing the litter box by 3 inches & losing hair on her tummy, we figured she was too stressed by the kittens. She went to live with Jessica in San Jose; she loves it- no kittens, no noise, only one person at a time to deal with, & the food bowl & litterbox to herself.

Tomorrow is Chris' birthday, but I'll not be getting him another cat! Sam & Yuki will be in San Francisco until 9:00 pm with the group, so if Chris gets home at a reasonable hour- before 8:00- I'm going to skip out on knitting group & take him to dinner.