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July 07 And yet, they still love me... Let me make one thing perfectly clear from the start- I am the Queen of My World. My subjects adore, obey & rely on me in a multitude of ways. Rightly so, since I am highly intelligent, talented, beautiful & a benevolent ruler. Okay, maybe the fertilizer is spread a bit think. But I do have a respectable IQ, a high GPA, & exude an aura of calm, reason & competence. But there are times...I was sharing an embarrassing moment with another blogger, which started me thinking about all the silly things I've done to my family. I am truely amazed they still talk to me, let alone claim me as family.
Exhibit 1: It was parent/teacher conference time; my son went to a K-8 year-round school & had a core schedule- 4 teachers for 6 subjects. All the teachers were in one room, & parents went from one area to the next to talk. Now, at the time I was on a low-carb kick & had tried an approved chocolate bar with Maltitol- unfortunately, it has a noisy side-effect for some people & , of course, I'm one of them. So, I'm making the rounds with the teachers & I start to feel uncomfortable on the 3rd one, but have maintained my dignity. I bent forward to get out of the hard plastic chair &, you guessed it, break wind. Loudly. With my 12 yr old son sitting next to me. Naturally, at that precise moment, the room was completely silent- almost. I apologized politely & went to the next teacher. As I sat down- yep- ripped another one. I was red to the roots & my son was praying for the Rapture to come RIGHT NOW!!! I apologized again to Miss Bell- his favorite teacher- then we burst into giggles. Soon, the whole room is rocking with laughter & my son is seriously considering legal action. He eventually forgave me & confessed in private that he has proud of both how I handled the situation... and my volume! Exhibit 2: Every weekend between Thankgiving & Christmas, there is a great festival in San Francisco called the Dicken's Fair. It is a favorite family event, so I purchased tickets early & told the kids they could each bring a friend. Early the 1st Saturday, I roust, corrall & bully everyone into the car by 8 am, because I want to have the WHOLE day to enjoy the fair. My husband & I, two of our kids, two friends, & my mother-in-law drive from Tracy to South SF, about an hour & 20 minute drive, me rattling on about all the fun stuff we'll do. We are 1 mile from the entrance of the Cow Palace & I gasp "OH-MY-GOD!!! I forgot the TICKETS!!!" My husband starts to laugh, until he sees my face & realizes I'm not kidding. These flipping tickets cost $25 each at the door, so there is no way I can afford to buy more. So, a half mile from the gate, we turn around, drive back to Tracy, with me alternately crying & cussing, get the tickets, & drive all the way back. Lesson learned: All purchased tickets go into the glove box as soon as they arrive, or purchase them Will Call!
Exhibit 3: When my daughter was two, she graduated to a real big girl bed, but of course wouldn't stay in it. At least twice a night, I'd hear her trying to get out of her room (she couldn't work the door knob) fussing & crying until one of us went in & sat with her. It had been a particularly trying day overall, so I was exhausted by the time I crawled into bed. So when her nightly routine started, I decided not to coddle her anymore. I walked in, plopped her in bed, said goodnight firmly, & left. No talking, no song, no back rub. Needless to say, she whined & called out, but I was going to stand firm. An hour later, I had to go back in & do it again; this time she looks at me with puppy eyes, says "I wuv you, Mama" & "There's monster outside!", but no dice- back into bed. 2 hours later, I hear a thump & then her wimpering. I march in & she's sitting on the floor with big tears rolling down her cheeks- "I falled off bed!" I say "Sometimes that happens", wipe her face, put her back in bed, then give her a scolding. " Big girls stay in bed at night- Mama is going to her bed & you are going to stay in yours!" Well, that's the last I hear for the night except a few whimpers. In the morning, I go in to get her dressed. She's still fussy- I think she's probably still sleepy, but we're going to the park with friends, so I figure she'll perk up. I lift her arms up to pull off her nightie & she yelps, then starts crying. I look at her arm & it is swollen, bruised & shaped oddly. HER ARM IS BROKEN!!! I am the worst mother in the world- I actually scolded her for crying over her injury. She spent 4 weeks in a cast, which she used to whack her brother with frequently (some things never change!)
Exhibit 4: Late one night, I'm headed off to bed & realize I haven't seen one of the cats in a while. She's just a kitten, about 4 months old, & follows me around when I walk thru the house, usually between my feet. So, I begin to search. I open every closet, cabinet & drawer; I look in every room, under every piece of furniture; I look in the garage, the sinks, the windows, even inside the dryer. All the time, I'm calling her name & saying "Treat! Treat!" The other cats are following me now, waiting for the treats I keep talking about. I'm starting to get frantic- she's just a little thing- what she got outside? We have loose dogs running around this neighborhood! Okay- now I panic. I wake up my husband & son, tell them the kitten is missing & they need to search outside. They grab flashlights & head out to the street in their pj's, while I search in the backyard. They walk up & down the street, crawling under cars, looking thru bushes, calling for her- no luck. Our neighbor hears the boys & comes out to help. I'm now in tears- I start going thru the house again, turning on every light- I look in the laundry hamper, the sewing machine cabinet, behind the tv & stereo. Nothing. I go to my room to put on clothes to help search outside---- and there she is, laying on my pillow, sound asleep!!! Comments (2)
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