In my last post, I mentioned the sketchbook project I’m working on, thanks to the prompting of Mrs. Staggs at A Happy Miscellany. The intent behind this venture is to create a personal book, with elements of a journal, an art pad, & a scrapbook- something akin to the Fairyopolis books, with interactive elements & pleasing images. Each person chooses her own theme, & Mrs. Staggs will help spark ideas by showcasing her own work, as well as offering weekly prompts.

I have decided to blend the real & the fanciful elements of meg’s garden, my personal corner of the world & in many ways, my alter ego (or maybe my authentic self); I am a city girl, spending my days in an office in front of a computer, squeezing in time for old fashioned pursuits & ideals- a modern woman with vintage yearnings.

So, here is my first entry~ creating my own book & decorating the cover; I started with an inexpensive binder

covering it with paper

and fabric

I added some trim to blend & cover the seams

and then built a “garden” from a variety of elements

pre-made papercuts & trimmings from a autumn floral stem

This fence just called to me

and every garden needs butterflies

In the nameplate area, I was going to hand write “meg’s garden”, practicing it several times, with different pens, but the final execution wasn’t too successful;

so now, we punt~ I pulled out another papercut to put over the handwriting. This is one of my favorite terms~ I have a little sign hanging on the wall of my cubicle at work that says “La Dolce Vita”, to remind myself that I’m working for a purpose.

The cover is finally done,

except for a bit of sealing and the brain-storm I had this morning;

I want to hang a tiny “meg’s garden” sign somewhere~ maybe hanging on the fence, or on a post in the field~ what do you think?

Now, I need to finish up my first pages~ I know what I want to do, have most of the elements, but need quiet time to put it all together; make sure you drop by next week to see what’s next! 

  FOR TODAY May 19th...

Outside My Window...

A lawn in desperate need of mowing, lots of droopy plants begging for water & deadheading after the extreme heat this past weekend, & several wasps buzzing around the front door- time to call the bug guy.

I am thinking...

how incredible that we are beginning the last two weeks of school~ & that come August, my baby boy will be a high school Senior.

I am thankful for...

the comfort of central air conditioning & the return of cooler temperatures

From the kitchen...

I think it will be a good evening for salads & maybe a little grilled chicken.

I am wearing...

a dark blue skirt, a medium blue knit top, & navy loafers

I am creating...

Excel worksheets that will help greatly reduce the amount of time I spend reconciling general ledger accounts each month~ less time spent at work is always good!

I am going...

to take Sam to the movies this week (maybe tonight)~ he had the opportunity to see Prince Caspian yesterday with his friends & turned it down so we could see it together

I am reading...

Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskill (I really enjoyed the PBS series, & found a copy on my bookshelf while looking for something else) & Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach

I am hoping...

that Chris’ case of the “Grummpies” is very short-lived. He has been rather harsh with Sam &, while I make a point trying not to correct & micro-manage his parenting style, I’m concerned about damage it could do to their relationship.

I am hearing...

someone rattling the front door of the office & cursing; even though we have always been closed on Monday & Wednesday, and put a large “Sorry, We’re Closed Today” sign on the door, they still get angry when I won’t jump up to let them in.

Around the house...

I still haven’t gotten to those curtains, so tonight they come down & into the washer; I must set out some ant traps~ the heat & lack of rain has driven the legions into the house in search of water; & the electric mower needs to be repaired or replaced~ I’m seriously considering an old fashioned rotary push mower, then there would be no excuse for the mess out back J

One of my favorite things...

the scent of spearmint, especially in my iced tea

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week:

Finish the reusable shopping bag for the Ravelry swap; mail off some t-shirts to Africankelli for her trips to Nicaragua & Mozambique; & get Sam registered for a learn-to-golf clinic in June (his request) & another evening of tennis lessons to revamp his game (his coach’s request)

Here is picture thought I am sharing.

The last of my Red California Poppies~ hiding a little surprise…

A little Dahlia hidden underneath,

watching the bird feeder J

(shown by request of Jane)

I am reading...  The Grey Mask by Patricia Wentworth, & finishing up Enchanted April by Elizabeth Von Arnim

I am hoping...that the weather will be kind during Chris’ sojourn in Denver, & that no crisis will extend his stay beyond the two weeks

I am hearing...the sounds of the television show Chris is sleeping through, Sam taking his evening shower, & Beatrice the Lovebird singing her “Goodnight Aria” to her cousins outside the window.

Around the house...everyone is shedding clothing to get comfortable- it got rather warm today & it’s hard to sleep in a stuffy room; I think I’ll turn on the A/C for a bit.

One of my favorite things...clean sheets on a freshly made bed

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week...commemorate the 45^th anniversary of my entrance to the world tomorrow; finish the second washcloth & put together another row on the Church quilt; Thursday is the National Day of Prayer & our choir is performing at the banquet.

Here are some picture thought I am sharing for you...

Please drop by Peggy’s blog, “The Simple Woman”, to join (or just read along) the other ladies as they take a snapshot of their day & focus on the simple things.

I often have folks visiting the garden who remark about the off the wall stuff we do around here on the weekends. Many ask if I’m hyperactive or simply driven to be “on the go” all the time (uh, no – I’ve talked about my true nature here); others wonder where I come up with this stuff. I will agree that we are pretty fortunate to live where we do; within 2 hours, we can be at the ocean, in the mountains, or one of many destinations that people travel long distances to visit. But really, with very few exceptions, by putting in a little effort, anyone can find seasonal & regional events, state parks, festivals, museums, or the like in their own areas. My biggest resource is the newspaper; I get two daily papers & look not only in the community events calendar, I read the little ads in the margins promoting boutiques or special events, & the lifestyle sections, noting interesting places that might allow visitors. I also peruse magazines, especially regional or family ones, like Sunset, VIA, or Better Homes, for places of interest or special promotions.

That addresses the “how”, but not the “why”. I am by nature a homebody, content with my books, garden, & crafts; but a lesson I took away from my first marriage is that keeping your life & interests very narrow, keeps your personality very narrow. It is a bit of a cliché, but if you stop growing, there is nothing left but to die; quiet appeals to me, boredom does not. So I look out for new experiences, fresh vistas, something to anticipate- that is what makes the day-to-day grind of work foolishness, chores, & obligations bearable. I want to see a love of the arts, music, culture, heritage, & history grow in every member of my family- this was the best legacy given me by my upbringing. Besides, as is typical of most people, there are many places in my state I have never seen. We didn’t travel much in California when I was growing up; therefore, my first visit to Disneyland was at age 30, Yosemite Valley at 38, Lake Tahoe & Mt Shasta just 2 years ago, & I’m slowly making my way around to most of the Spanish Missions.

There is another, equally compelling reason- I want to create shared interests & memories with my family, things we can look back on in years to come, or stories that my children will share with their own children. You see, although we had the advantages of a upper middle class upbringing, my family was rather scattered, slightly troubled,  & emotionally distant, so I don’t have much in the way of “warm & fuzzy” memories of time spent together; the only family traditions I brought to my marriage was sparkling cider at Thanksgiving & taking obscene numbers of photographs at every event. I envied my husband’s (both of them) memories of family trips, holiday traditions, & silly rituals; it is especially poignant to hear Chris’ reminisces, since his father died a year before we first met. The regret over what they missed sharing over the past 30 years is enough to break my heart if I think about it too long; so I make a conscious effort to bank up treasure troves of memories for all of us, just in case. Some of the saddest words I know are ones of regret- “We thought about it, but never got around to it”, “Dad would have loved this”, “We’re all so busy- we just don’t have time together”.

Okay, the sermon is over; now get out there & make your own memories- this is the best time of year to find something new & interesting where you live.

Well, seeing as I’ve been tagged by no less then 3 people for this one, I suppose I ought to comply J  It will be a little difficult, since I tend to ramble on about my eccentricities.

THE RULES OF THE TAG ARE:

Each person posts the rules before their list, then list 8 new things about themselves.

At the end of the post, that person tags 8 other people (or more) letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come and read the post, so they know what they have to do.

1. I can’t remember the last time I vacuumed or dusted my own home; this is not due to either my inherent laziness or my aversion to housework- I am very allergic to dust & after doing either of those activities, I’m miserable for several days.

2. I. Do. Not. Like. Eggplant. Period.

3. I currently have 3 in-progress cross stitch project that haven’t been touched in probably two years- about the time I took up knitting again.

4. I’ve broken my tailbone twice- once when I was twelve & again when I was thirty-two; it is the only bone I’ve even broken & it still bother’s me from time to time (usually when I need to use the restroom- I know, TMI :-P )

5. I am fascinated with Highland cattle; I have a stuffed one from England & photos in my study at home & my cubicle at work, as well as a computer wallpaper.

6. I’ve read Pride and Prejudice at least 5 times & plan to read it several times again throughout my life.

7. I have always loved cameos, even as a child; I currently have four- one I brought back from Italy 28 years ago- & would like to add to my collection.

8. I’ve had my ears pierced since I was eight (by my aunt, with an ice cube & a big ole darning needle), own 20 pairs of earrings, but only put them on maybe 3 times a year.

So, consider yourself tagged (or not, you know I’m not the pushy type)- Kat, Jane, Cindy, Amy, Faye, Dana, Guinevere, & Cara. 

As I’ve said before, I am not a Domestic Diva; housekeeping historically falls low on my list of priorities (as witnessed by the piles of paper & clutter surrounding me). Most of my adult life, I have searched for ways to bring the order & cleanliness I crave into my home, & have made good progress through my path to Simple Abundance & the gentle proddings of FlyLady. Although I have noticed that my attitudes towards home-caring have shifted in the past couple of years, I still don’t like to vacuum, dust, or clean toilets. This being said, I’m going to share a little secret with you: no, you need to come a little closer- I have to whisper this…

I love to do laundry

SHHH! Don’t shout it out like that- & no, I’m not weird! I find doing laundry very satisfying (as long as I’m not having to it by hand with a rock & a stream like my sister); thanks to the modern innovations of automatic washers & dryers, I can have sweet smelling, fluffy clean clothes & towels anytime. I love to shop for laundry supplies, checking out all the new scents & looking for new products; I even enjoy ironing, as long as it isn’t hot outside & I don’t have a huge pile to do. I even got excited over this meme a found in my wanderings- I honestly can’t tell you where I saw it, but the author wasn’t picky about the credit.

“There are no rules for the meme.  Add, subtract, change questions, tag whomever you choose (or not), credit me, don’t credit me, whatever.  I’m just curious about your laundry!!”

1.     In your home, who does the laundry?   We all do, but Sam & I do the majority.

2.     Do you sort your laundry?  Most definitely.

3.     If you sort, how many different color/fabric type groups do you sort it into?  I sort into a minimum of 4 types- whites, darks, lights, & towels, but will separate out “special needs” garments, like sweaters, uniforms, or new fabric.

4.     Do you hand wash anything?  Wally the Washer gets a real workout around here; I hand wash very little- silk items, handknits- most everything goes into the machine, delicates into those mesh bags & “Gentle Cycle”

5.     Are there any articles of clothing that you send out to be cleaned professionally?  Very little- satin, kilts, or suits

6.     If you have any clothes cleaned professionally, is that drycleaning?  Or regular laundering/pressing?  Just dry cleaning- I wouldn’t pay anyone to do my regular-type laundry because I enjoy that.

7.     At home, what detergent do you use?  Any detergent additives that you regularly use?  I like using liquid detergent, like Kirkland Free & Clear or a new brand I just found at Cost*co called Ecco. I also use White King Water Softener in every load, since our water is so hard here, & occationally will add Borax to extra dirty stuff (like Chris’ uniforms- gas, oil, grey water, blech)

8.     What whiteners/brighteners do you use?  I only use Oxiclean, Borax, & water softener- bleach has been banned from my house (too many clothes ruin by Chris using bleach to clean everything- besides, the cats go crazy over the smell & I’m afraid they would actually drink it!)

9.     Do you use any fabric softeners?  Yes- I use fabric softener sheets; I’m not picky about the brand & will buy generic, as long as the scent is nice & not overpowering.

10. How do you handle stains? . The first thing is to pre-treat- I have a couple of  products I like, such as Z’out or Shout Gel, but also use liquid dishsoap. Then I’ll wash it as normal & treat again if necessary.

11. Do you use different water temperatures for your different loads?  Yes.  Whites and towels get hot, light colors are washed in warm, dark colors & delicates go in cold.

12. Do you use a tumble dryer, or do you hang your clothes to dry?  I use Drake the Dryer for almost everything; even tennis shoes get the dryer treatment with the handy-dandy rack that came with it. I like the theory of line drying, but the reality with the Central Valley air quality is everything ends up stiff & smelly L

13. In your home, who folds the clothes?  Sam, mostly; then I refold my clothes & towels because I like them “just so” J

14. Where do you fold your clothes?  (i.e., in the laundry room, at the kitchen table, etc.)  Either in the living room while watching tv, or on my bed.

15. Who puts the folded clothes away?  Sam takes the clean laundry to the appropriate room, & everyone puts away their own clothes.

16. Do you have a certain day of the week you consider ”laundry day”?  Yes- everyday! Seriously, I do a load a day (per FlyLady)

17. About how many laundry loads do you do per week?  I’d say 7 to 10 loads a week- 2 or 3 loads of towels (there is a lot of shower taking around here- the guys both bathe twice a day & even though I only bathe once a day, I like a fresh towel every other day) at least one load each of darks, lights, & whites, then a load of Chris’ work clothes & a load of miscellanous, like dishtowels, car washing towels, throw rugs, cat blankets, etc.

18. Do you iron?  Only when I have to; I like to iron, but it is inconvient to do- the only area is the kitchen & the guys or cats always seem to be underfoot. I purposely buy clothes that need little or no ironing, because it just gets put off.

So, now you know my dirty little secret- or clean little secret- or clean little pleasure…whatever- you know what I mean. Oh, and before you ask- no, I won’t do your laundry for you- not unless you want to fly me there & feed me well- but I guess we could negociate…  

Not much time to contemplate right now; the first of the month is always a bit of chaos & angst at work, compounded this time with missing staff & my quickly approaching vacation (yeah me!), so I will just offer up a few bullets of arbitrary observations:

• öThe blouse was finished late Saturday evening; I wasn’t thrilled with the fit of the sleeves & around the abdomen (must get more serious about losing this weight), so I nearly abandoned the whole thing as a lost cause. But stubbornness & frugality won the day; I rigged, adjusted, & slapped on the buttonholes, & viola- a presentable garment. I got a couple of compliments- which I graciously accepted without pointing out the glaring flaws- & was much more comfortable in the long run. Turns out we were hopping busy at Ravenswood, despite the warm temperatures- I gave three full tours myself & didn’t have time to knock the croquet ball around with the ladies.
• öI’m finally wrapping up the church quilt; all that is left is slip-stitching the binding & I think I will forward that on to the other ladies to complete. The only time I have to work on it is in the evening, & as the fabric is dark green, being stitched with black thread, I’m getting a headache trying to see clearly; I think one of the stay-home ladies would have an easier time working in daylight. I’m also donating a nearly completed quilt I made 10 years ago (it just needs binding- can you tell I don’t really like that part?); it was a Stash Challenge quilt I made originally for Jessica- she didn’t like my color choices & showed no interest in having it. It has been sitting in my fabric closet, aggravating me every time I see it, so I decided to donate it to the cause- someone will love it & Women’s Ministries will gain the profits.
• öThe emails & phone calls have been flying fast & furious of late amongst my extended family- my brother D’s wedding is a week from Saturday & everyone seems to be in panic mode. Having been through more than my share of this pre-nuptial insanity, I have been fully sympathetic, but refused to be sucked into the chaos. Until this weekend. When D called me- for the very first time in his life (yes, I am serious- my siblings do not call me- we only talk if we happen to meet at our parents’ house)- & asked me to sing at his wedding. In two weeks. Okay, that came from left field; but this is my little brother, getting married for the first time at age 39, so against my first impulse to run in the opposite direction, I say “Yes, if you really want me to- what did you have in mind?” Among effusive (for him) thanks, he says he’ll email me the song list- pick out a couple I think I can do & it will be fine. Okaaay. I wonder silently whether bride-to-be W knows anything about this, but I guess that’s not my problem. The long & short of the story is: I’ll be singing “Over the Rainbow” & “Devoted to You” accompanied by electric/acoustic guitar (youngest brother B), mandolin (youngest sister’s “man” E from Kauai), & ukulele (step-dad’s sister’s boyfriend M). Yep. Ukulele. And we’ll only have one rehearsal- the night before, once everyone arrives in Whistler. Oy. Have I mentioned my family is insane? Well, maybe not insane; maybe more unconventional with a twist of peculiar. Poor W- she has no idea what she’s signed on for.

Five more work days & I am so out of here; this has been a hard-won vacation, & I plan on enjoying myself, despite my nutty relatives. For the next 9 days, every evening but one has a commitment, & that one will be spent packing & coaching the guys on their duties while I’m away.

Unlike dear Jane & her ever-lovin’ Homer, I am not a “fly by the seat of your pants” traveler; I have a one-inch thick folder (started when D & W announced their engagement & subsequent Canadian wedding) with- in order:

1. passport receipt/paperwork,

2. flight itinerary,

3. car rental receipt,

4. directions from Vancouver airport to hotel #1,

5. reservation confirmation to hotel #1,

6. directions from hotel #1 to bed & breakfast in Whistler (no confirmation receipt on this one- Mother is paying for this, so I’ll just have to trust she’s got it in hand, or sleep in my car),

7. directions from bed & breakfast in Whistler to wedding venue,

8. directions from bed & breakfast to hotel #2 in Vancouver,

9. reservation confirmation to hotel #2,

10. directions from hotel #2 to Tsawwassen,

11. confirmation receipts for ferry rides between Tsawwassen & Victoria,

12. directions from ferry building to bed & breakfast in Victoria,

13. & a list (with directions, times, cost, etc) of 3 things that are “must see” & 3 that are “would really like to see if there is time”.

And this is one of my more relaxed trips- I don’t have to factor in the guys interests & wants, so I’m positively cavalier about my timetables & activities. Well, accept for the flight & ferry reservations; oh- and the rehearsal & wedding of course. Maybe if I did more traveling, I could just “go with the flow” like my friends & siblings do; then again, I’m an accounting geek-daughter of an Eagle Scout/engineer & bi-polar interior decorator- my very nature is to err on the side of caution & allow for any contingencies.  Add to that the fact that I’m taking this trip all on my own (for the first time in my life!) & will have no one to blame but myself if I get lost or miss a travel connection. There is something comforting in having all those pretty, printed pages in hand- my personal hedge against disaster.

Yep, that’s me, Mrs. Serene herself- the living embodiment of stress-free nonchalance.

Prayers accepted.

Since I’m not ready to think about this past weekend without going on a little rant, & I’ve spent the past 3 entries griping about my life, I’m going to take the path of avoidance & do this meme from Jane’s:

1. If you could pick your own name, what would you choose and why? I suppose I’ve already done this- “meg” is a name I picked out for myself- of course, only people in Blogland use it J This is a tough one, because I grew up with the name of “Mary” in a world full of “Rainbow”, “Zephyr”, “Antoinette” (Berkeley thru 60’s & 70’s) so basically anything was cooler then my name.

2. What non-famous person do you admire most and why? I’d have to say my husband, Chris; he is the hardest working, most selfless person I’ve ever met. He is just a truly nice guy, who goes out of his way to help anyone who asks & is fiercely protective of his family.

3. If you had $1 million to donate to a charity, what one would you choose and why? I would donate to a local organization- Interfaith Ministries, who provides food & household supplies to anyone in need,  so they can build their own facility & stock it properly.

4. What is the one thing you really wish you had time to do? I would really like to learn to play the mandolin- there are just not enough hours in my week to devote to lessons & practice.

5. What is your biggest regret and why?  That I didn’t stand my ground with my ex-husband & keep my oldest son with me; Robb is an awesome man, but just too serious & worry worn; his dad put a lot of emotional pressure on him because Robb was “all he has to live for” & he’s too old for his age.

6. What is the worst thing you did while growing up that you never got caught for? I’m going to have to plead the Fifth on this one

7. What is your favorite meal and dessert?  Fresh cracked crab, green beans, & sour dough French bread, followed by cheesecake~ oh, my- I gain weight just thinking about it.

8. What is the biggest lesson in life you have learned to date?  I am not responsible for the choices (read- mistakes) my children make.

9. What is your favorite non-domestic animal? Oooo- tough one: otters- they are so fun to watch, they have a natural sense of play & joy; hummingbirds are mesmerizing; tigers are gorgeous

10. If you could do ONE truly selfless thing for someone, what would you do and for whom? I would provide a first-class, full-ride college education for a deserving young person who otherwise couldn’t afford to attend.   

11. Is there anyone in your life you wish you could spend more time with and who is it?  My oldest child, Robb- we really don’t know each other very well, since he lives across country & is busy making a life for himself.   

12. What are your biggest pet peeves?  People who don’t clean up after themselves; small children being allowed to run around in stores; telemarketers calling at any time; the constant use of profanity in normal conversation (wait now- my little diatribe was event specific- I don’t talk like that all the time)  

13. What is the one thing you would like to accomplish before you die? To own my own home. 

14. What was your most embarrassing moment to date and what happened?  See entry for June 5^th, 2007  

15. What is your dream job? Being a silent partner in a highly successful restaurant- no work, free meals, & a steady paycheck.

16. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?  Much as I am now, only with no children at home, traveling more, & 75 pounds lighter.

17. What is your favorite album right now and why? I’m currently loving Chris Botti’s album To Love Again

18. What are your favorite bands? I like Nickel Creek & Célé Dé, but mostly listen to classical or individual artists

19. What kind of books do you like to read and who are your favorite authors? Mysteries for certain- my current favorites are Joanna Fluke, Tamar Myers, & Lillian Jackson Braun; I’m also a huge fan of Jane Austin, Lucy Maud Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables), Garrison Keillor, & P. G. Wodehouse.

20. What is your favorite magazine? Can’t pick just one- Scottish Life, Better Homes & Gardens, & Victoria (it’s coming back in September- YEAH!)

21. Do you collect anything and if so what is it? I mentioned last week that I collect teapots (& plants, which often die); I also collect corny, clean jokes, books, & evidently, cats.

22. If you could have three wishes, what would they be? Sorry- nothing noble: abundant wealth to live the way I want; that all of my children would be living useful, fulfilling lives in God’s will; & that I would be a flab-free, fit 130 pounds for the rest of my life.

23. Do you have any bad habits and what are they?  Sugar- it’s my downfall; impatience; & procrastination- face it, I’m plum lazy!

24. What are you most proud of and why?  That I finished a college degree- two actually- & came out without any school debt. 

25. What do you like to do in your spare time? Read, crafts, visit gardens & museums, sleep.

26. If you could meet any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be and why? Dame Judy Dench: I want to be her when I grow up- she’s beautiful in a real woman way, funny, talented, & lives on her own terms. 

27. If you could live in any time era, what would it be and why? I’m with Jane on this one- despite the drawbacks, the current era is pretty awesome; in the past, I would have no personal freedom as a woman & almost endless hard work just to survive.

28. What was your favorite subject to study in school?  History & Home Economics (ironic, since I don’t cook or clean unless I have to)

29. What extracurricular activities (if any) did you participate in during school?  Drama- I was in several plays & even did a movie in high school- & dancing- ballet, jazz, square (my tastes were, well, eclectic) 

30. Who was your favorite teacher and why? I’d say probably Eric Narveson, my college history professor; he gave the hardest tests- all essays & based on lectures- but was fascinating & passionate about his subject, which made the classes fly by (I took a total of 3 courses from him)  

31. What music and/or bands do you hate?  I am mostly definitely opposed to rap & heavy metal; I am a creature of peace & calm, even in my teens. 

32.  What two people do you challenge to do this?  You & that lady over there.

I, Viscountess Meg the Dissolute of Piddletrenthide on the Carpet, now must go to arm myself for a quest, a Herculean task to rescue a fair maiden from her own folly.

Scissors? Check

Step ladder? Check

Broomstick handle? Check

Spray bottle? Check

Bath towel? Check

Cat treats? Check

No, it’s not my daughter this time; Dahlia has wedged herself behind Wally the Washer for the past 12 hours & refuses to come out. We have discovered that Boo Kitty has an overwhelming & irrational fear of balloons, particularly large Mylar ones that play an obnoxious version of “Happy Birthday” every time it moves. So, in order to avoid bestowing the title of “Lady Dahlia of Piddle behind the Washer” on her, I will dispose of the balloon (scissors), climb on top of the washer (step ladder) & force coax her (broomstick & spray bottle) to come out, then comfort her frazzled nerves (towel & treats). Poor little Pickle! 

 Update: Dahlia finally came out- soaking wet & smelling of mint extract that I had to add to the water (my cats don’t like the scent of mint)- after a good rub down with the towel & copious amounts of tuna treats, she has recovered her sunny disposition  I, on the other hand, am nursing a wrenched shoulder & a lump on the back of my head (whose idea was it to hang that shelf so low?)so I will be applying equally generous amounts of ibuprofen & chocolate

I arrived in Kansas the end of August, just in time to start school. Chris & I spoke on the phone a couple of times, but it was too hard to keep it up. We each started dating again & the first part of December, I met B, who I would eventually marry. He was five years older, with a good job & a nice car, & was ready to be in a steady relationship. He had a close knit, friendly family who enthusiastically took me in as one of their own- I think half the attraction was his family.

After a year, I went back to California for a visit, but Chris wasn’t there. He had gone with the Young Rebels on a 4 week performing tour of Poland, Romania, & Czechoslovakia, & wouldn’t return until a week after I returned to Kansas. What he did do was send a huge bouquet of flowers & a cassette tape of music, with a recorded message telling me how much he had missed me, how sorry he couldn’t see me again, & that he would always care about me. I wish I still had the tape, but B wasn’t comfortable with me remaining friends with an old boyfriend- I think he threw it out, along with the few pictures I had of Chris. (The little boy is my youngest brother)

B & I got engaged 2 days after my 18^th birthday, much to the dismay of my parents, particularly after I told them I wasn’t going to college. Never one to sit & do nothing, 3 months before the wedding, my Mother called Chris & asked him to contact me. She was obviously hoping that hearing from him would cause me to reconsider getting married, & as much as I hate to admit my Mother was right, I nearly did. I was sharing an apartment with 3 other girls, students at the University; I came home one evening to a message written in big red letters “Chris G called & want you to call right away!” I phone him back & we spent a couple of hours talking, catching up on the past 2 ½ years, when he played his trump card: “I just wish I could see you again, now that we’re older & on our own- there is so much that we missed, so many things we couldn’t do back then.” Okay, that was not fair- I had pretty much settled in my mind that it really hadn’t been the Grand Passion & forever-after love, that I had just romanticized what was an ordinary short-term relationship. Suddenly, all those memories & feelings flooded back- here he was telling me it had been special to him as well. I got off the phone feeling very confused & restless; I spent the next couple of day mulling over the whole conversation in my mind, & decided to call Chris back. I went directly to the point: if I were to come back to California right now, what would our relationship be, where would we stand?

This is where the flaw in my Mother’s scheme showed up- she neglected to find out what was going on in Chris’ life at that time. He stuttered a bit, & replied that we would be “very good, old friends”- you see, he was living with someone & they were talking about getting married! Well, that tore it- I told him have a nice life & said goodbye. Then I got married.

I won’t go into my first marriage- as I said in my “101” it wasn’t really bad- it just wasn’t good. Mistakes were made by both of us & forgiveness was hard to come by. Suffice to say; at the end of 5 ½ years, it was definitely in the midst of death throes. The last year had been horribly stressful, after both the children had been injured in separate accidents, Robb quite seriously. I had taken the children to visit my Mother in California for a week in December; I needed some time away, as we had decided to separate after Christmas.

One evening, while talking to my sister, she asked me if I ever heard from Chris. I told her that I hadn’t spoken to him since before I got married & asked why she wanted to know. She told me how he used to come by to visit them every few months or so, but they hadn’t heard from him in nearly a year & wondered if everything was all right.

This got me to thinking about Chris again (as if I had really stopped), wondering if he was happy, if he had any children, etc; so I decided to call his Mom to see how things were going. His brother answered the phone, & after I explained who I was, he said that he remembered me, & that Chris wasn’t there right now, but should be home in a day or two. Huh? He was living at home again? Last I had heard, he had his own business & was getting married. Well, it took Chris two days to call back- 45 minutes before we were leaving for the airport to go home. We really only had time to express regrets for missing each other again & exchange phone numbers & promises to talk later.

I finally screwed up the courage to call him a week later. I’m sorry to say that I wasn’t particularly impressed with him at age 25. He had lost his business when the construction boom ended, had gotten involved in drugs, lost his house, his fiancée (they never got around to getting married) & his driver’s license; he was living with his Mom, helping out after she had cancer surgery, & spending entirely too much time partying. I was politely winding down the conversation, with no intentions of ever talking to him again, when my husband came into the room & demanded to know who I was talking to- when I replied “An old friend,” he began yelling that he knew it was a man, I wasn’t allowed to talk to men, etc. Chris could hear him, & asked me if I was in any danger- was he going to hit me? I assured him that I was fine & said goodbye; then proceeded to have a huge flaming row with B, one of many over the past year.

The following morning, Chris called me back to make sure that I was really all right. I thanked him for his concern- he really was a good friend- & explained about our situation, that I would be moving out the first of the year. He asked if it would be okay to call every so often- we were both going through hard times & it would be good to have a friend to talk to about things. So that’s what we did.

In the beginning, we would talk once a week; then twice a week; after a couple of months, we were talking every day. Through what Chris credits to my influence, he went off the drugs cold turkey; he started staying home in the evenings so we could talk & really applied himself to finding a new job. Once we got past all the macho posturing- I told him it was a lot of B*S* & he needed to drop it- I saw that kind, gentle boy I had known nine years before. Jessica & I were living with my Dad, while I worked at the local fabric store for barely over minimum wage, so there was no money or time for any kind of social life. I depended on Chris’ friendship & encouragement, since he understood how difficult it was rebuilding a new life from the ashes of the old. I also shared my faith in God with him, something he had walked away from after his father’s death.

Over the course of the next 5 months, friendship grew into love; but this was a different kind of love than before. We became intimate on a different level, sharing our hopes, dreams, & disappointments. Although neither of us said it outright, we knew we wanted to be together, yet we were still separated by 2000 miles. Chris encouraged me to come out to visit, to look for work &, more particularly, see if we really wanted to be with each other. So, the end of April, the day my divorce was final, I flew with Jessica to California.

I was so nervous- I hadn’t even seen a picture of Chris- all I remember were flashes of a skinny 17 year old- & here I was, a mother of two, built nothing like I had been nine years before. I drove up to his Mom’s house, & there he was, leaning against the fence, watching for us to arrive. He was so handsome, & definitely full-grown, but there was still the tenderhearted boy in his eyes. We hugged & kissed, then I introduced him to Jessica- she has never known what a stranger is, so she took right to him (women often do). That evening was really our first date; the three of us went to dinner at the local Italian restaurant & sat for an hour talking & eating. Since it was Friday night, there was a small combo playing music in the lounge; Chris asked me "Would you like to dance?" I replied, "I'd like to, but we can't leave Jessica sitting here alone." He gave me a surprised look, & said "I was asking both of you!" That is one of my favorite memories- the three of us dancing together to "Unforgetable".

We spent the next seven days together; I found a job & a babysitter for Jessica within 4 days, & then Chris’ Mom asked me to move in with them, instead of sharing an apartment with strangers. I was overwhelmed; this woman was willing to take in a virtual stranger & her child for her son’s sake- but evidently, she had decided long ago that I was the right one for Chris. I went back to Kansas & gave my notice at work; 3 weeks later, Chris flew out, we packed up the car, said our goodbyes, & drove to California to start our life together. (Little aside- Chris had just started a new job 6 weeks before I moved out there. I was planning on driving by myself, since he couldn’t take off work so soon & really couldn’t afford to fly out anyway. When his boss, Pat, found out about the arrangement, he told Chris to take off four days- with pay- & used his frequent flier miles to give Chris an airline ticket. Pat & his wife are an awesome Christian couple & blessed in so many ways over the years, & Chris stayed with his company for 7 years, only leaving because we couldn’t afford to live in the Bay Area anymore.)

It was a three day drive from eastern Kansas to the San Francisco Bay Area; we stopped in Reno on the second evening, & called his Mom to tell her we were staying over- but she threw such a fit about not being able to drive up there on short notice, we decided to drive on through. We were married four months later, on September 2, 1988- but that is another story.

With Valentine’s Day creeping up on us again, thoughts inevitably turn to thoughts of romance; in particular, I think about the road that brought Chris & I where we are now. I think it’s time to share the next part of our story.

As I wrote in “Isn’t it Romantic”, Chris & I met 28 years ago, when we were sixteen. While it wasn’t love at first sight, we did come to love each other- it just wasn’t time for our “happily ever after” yet.  

Let me back up a bit. The year before we met had been really rough for each of us. Chris’ father had been killed in a canoeing accident on a trip with the Explorer Club- Chris had been in a boat behind his Dad & witnessed it overturning; his Dad’s body wasn’t recovered until the following day. He became “the man of the family” at 15, & had bottled up most of his emotions as a defense mechanism. I had been battling clinical depression, after a series of failed relationships & bouts teenage hormones. My stepfather & I had always had a tenuous relationship, civil at best; the arrival of my youngest brother (when I was 14) put enormous strain on that situation, which deteriorated into loud arguments & a shoving match one evening. By the time Chris & I started seeing each other in May of 1979, it had already been decided that I was going to move to Kansas, to live with my father for a year.

So our romance began, knowing that it would have to end in a few short weeks. Our time together was very limited- we lived in different towns, attended different schools, & neither of us was driving yet. I think in those six weeks, we saw each other maybe seven times, & talked on the phone once a week. We only had one afternoon alone together- we went into downtown Oakland to have lunch & do some shopping- all the rest of the time we had other people with us.

The most memorable time together was when my Mother invited Chris to join us for a weekend at our house in Carmel Valley. To say I was astonished would be an understatement- my mother was inviting my boyfriend to stay in the same house with us for two days- but I was glad for the time together, even it meant sharing him with my younger siblings. Not surprisingly, that weekend Chris & I became intimate; it was the first time for both of us, & while I know now that it wasn’t how God wanted us to begin, I can’t honestly say I regret that decision.

A week later, I left for 5 weeks in Spain, on a student exchange trip that I had been planning for a year. I missed Chris terribly & wrote him several times, but he never wrote back. I began to doubt that he really cared about me- what I didn’t know at the time (& he was too embarrassed to tell me) was he is dyslexic & very ashamed of his handwriting.

 When I came back to the States, I had one week before I was to leave for my new home in Kansas. Chris & I saw each other only once that week; there was a dance that our club attended in another city, so we rented a bus to take everyone. Chris was very distant that evening- he chose not to sit with me on the bus & only dance with me once the whole evening. I felt that my fears about his feelings for me were confirmed- he’d got what he wanted & now was trying to brush me off.

After returning to town that evening, I was standing in the parking lot, waiting for my ride home. Chris came up behind me, wrapped his arms around my waist, & held me. I was surprised, given the way he had been avoiding me, but I didn’t want to argue at that point. We didn’t really talk much- I suppose we were just trying to ignore the big purple elephant in the room. He asked what time my plane was leaving & said he wanted to come to the airport with us; I commented that the year would pass by very quickly, since we were both going to be starting new schools. Then my ride came; we hugged each other tight, & as he let me go, Chris said, “I really do love you, you know.”

I left two days later. I didn’t call Chris to tell him when the flight was leaving; instead, I wrote him a letter that arrived that day after I left. In the letter, I told him that even though everyone was saying I’d only be away for a year, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to live with my family again; that even though he was willing to tie himself to me, it wasn’t fair to let him wait for something that wouldn’t happen; & that I as much as I wanted to see him again, I couldn’t face having our last memories being tearful goodbyes in a crowded airport, with people looking on. I also told him that I would always love him, regardless of any distances or time that would separate us.

To be continued…

Well, you know the rest of it. Today was back to real life- work, school, errands & chores. Most times, it is almost not worth going on vacation, since it often takes twice as long to get caught up again. Surprisingly, my desk was not buried in paper & undone projects, & I left work on time!

I’m still sorting through all the impressions, conversations, moments, & images of our trip. Being a realist, I knew that one visit wouldn’t erase years of neglected relationships & bring instant intimacy between us all. I do know that the doors have been opened, hands are being extended by each of us, & every one has expressed the desire to spend more time together. As much as this trip meant to me, I think it was even more important for my father; this is from an email I received New Year Day “Since I left Albuquerque, I have reflected upon the wonder week that we all were privilege to share. I still have a warm, fuzzy feeling about all of us being together and wish that we can do it again soon. For me, it was a very meaningful time.”  Whatever does or doesn’t happen from here on, I know I was able to make my father happy, & that was worth it.

Now it’s time to look at the coming year. It is going to be a rather eventful one for my family. We hit the ground running with Bil (yes, the same brother I was just visiting) arriving in the Bay Area tomorrow, & we are planning on getting together with Mother on Sunday. Ironically, he found out last month that he will coming out here every 6 weeks or so for the next year, to supervise a large project for work, so we will have several opportunities to spend time together. Both Sam & Jessica will have milestone birthdays in February, so I’ll be organizing appropriate celebrations for each (or both.) Other big family news is my younger brother, David, announced his engagement to long-time girlfriend, Wendy (there is a picture of him in "Robb's Trip" album- the dishy one on the end) . While Mother is still a bit incredulous about the whole thing (after all, he is 38  & never been married), I’m excitedly planning a trip to Whistler, BC in July to attend the wedding. We are also tentatively planning a vacation to Florida in December, so Chris can actually see some of the sights he missed on his three trips there last year. Add to that a knitter’s retreat, a Spring break hideout at home to finish various projects, Chris facing some extensive dental work, Highland Games season starting in April, & assorted day trips to explore unique aspects of our area, & you see it will be business as usual around here- plenty of blog-fodder!

More importantly is the inner journey I take each year. I’m not one to make resolutions; I find them too intimidating & stressful. Instead, I want to look at areas of my life & set some small goals to work towards, things that will make me happier. I’d like to take on a new challenge- nothing major or life altering- just something new to learn or do, to add some variety to my routine. I’d like to improve some of my skills, such as photography & gardening, to reach towards a new level of creativity. Most importantly, I want to limit my commitments outside my home; I want my husband & son to know that they are my first priority.

So, this is the road stretching out before me. I can see the high spots & major landmarks ahead, but most of the journey is hidden in the twists & turns of the path. Yet, I’ve rarely feared the unknown; I have a Companion & Protector, leading me in the way He has planned, & I’ve learned to trust Him. This is the source of my peace, the reason I can remain calm & contented, no matter the chaos surrounding me. And now, I also have these electronic angels, friends & confidants I’ve met in the blog world, that will hold my hand & share the journey. For this, I am truly grateful.

To my friends & regular visitors, a small warning: This will not be one of my typical posts- chatty & fun, talking about our adventures, or sarcastic & gripey, but essentially good-natured. I decided early on in this blogging adventure that I would be as real & transparent as decency & privacy allowed. This is one of those times.

My brother called me this morning to firm up our schedule & plans for our trip to New Mexico next week. We chatted for about 30 minutes, exchanged cell phone numbers, & agreed to both call our sister to see what she has planned for our visit. I got off the phone feeling excited, nervous, & even a little weepy. Why? It all sounds very normal, but in reality was a major event in my life. You see, this is only the second time I’ve talked directly to Bil in the past six years. I haven’t talked to Crystal in close to 9 years. Generally, news is passed through our Dad, whom each of us usually talks to every 3 or 4 months. No, we don’t have a family feud going on; it’s much sadder than that. We don’t know one another. We are disconnected, polite strangers, who share a parent & a family history, but have little or no relationship with each other. It’s the same with my other siblings- my mother’s children by her second marriage, who I shared a home with until I was 16 years old- we live within sixty miles of each other (except for Holly, who lives in Kauai), but only see each other maybe once a year, & never talk on the phone or write.

How did this happen? If you have read me for any length of time, you know how important family is to me, how much I work at building connection & memories with my children. But, in my first close relationships, I’ve let this gap form & cement itself, until it seems normal. As the “mother” of all the siblings, the link between both families, I feel like it is my responsibility to keep us connected. But since the others never say anything, don’t make any effort to be a part of our lives, maybe they don’t think it’s a problem. Could I have stopped this? Maybe. Is this my fault? Not completely. But that doesn’t keep me from feeling like it is my job to fix it. The main blame- if blame must be assigned- has to be laid on divorce, distance, & disparity in ages. 

As I wrote in my “101”, my parents divorced when I was very young- under 2 years old. Mother & I moved to California, while Dad & Bil went to New Mexico. They both remarried & eventually had other children. My parents are decent, well-intentioned people, & did their best to limit the effects of the divorce on us. Never, in the 40+ years they have been apart, have I heard either one say anything negative about the other, never placed blame for the failure of their marriage on anyone but themselves, & arranged for us to spend time with the other parent. Unfortunately, they didn’t realize or understand that the short, casual visits every other summer or so, was not enough for us to develop meaningful relationships with each other. The cost & logistics of shipping children back & forth must have seemed too overwhelming, or maybe they felt that shuffling us around would be disruptive or confusing to us. Whatever the reasons, our relationships with our parents & siblings became surface only.

There was also the factor of age; there is a spread of eighteen years between the oldest, Bil, & the youngest, Ben. I suppose I was more of a parent figure to the younger ones, as I am 5, 8, & 14 years older; I spent a lot of time babysitting them, having to be the one in charge. Then I moved away to live with my Dad, so I became another distant relative. Visits back to California were few & far between; from 1979 to 1988, I only came to visit 4 times. Even after I moved back, I was married with children of my own, & they were teenagers & young adults- we just didn’t relate to one another.

As for my Dad’s other daughter, Crystal, I never was around her- Dad was divorced from her mom & would go down to visit her instead of bringing her to stay with us. I was just a voice on the phone or a face in a photograph. The last time I saw her was at her wedding 10 years ago; I wasn’t really invited, but felt I needed to be there, so I drove to Las Vegas, with my children in tow. Since then, I’ve spoken to her once on the phone & emailed her a couple of times, but she hasn’t ever gotten around to replying. I suppose, like me, she is glad to hear from me, but then gets involved in the minutia of her own life & forgets about contacting me. I understand it, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Despite the fact that I’m a 43-year-old woman, with grown children, a successful marriage, & a full meaningful life, inside I’m still that serious, insecure little girl with the tender heart, who was always trying to belong. Since I couldn’t have that close, loving family I craved as a child, I made my own & have insolated myself in it from being hurt. Why is it I have to be the one to make all the efforts? There is that part of me that says, unconsciously, that if they won’t make the first move, then why should I? (I never said it was the reasonable part of me!) But then I have to face the fact that this is my need, not necessarily the needs of the others; if I want to connect, I have to reach out & accept the possibility of being ignored again. My mind knows that it is not a great risk, but that doesn’t quiet that fearful little voice inside. But I do have the comfort of knowing I have my own family to shelter & love me, where I am important & needed.

So, here I am, ready to venture forth again. That is what this trip is about; I’m feeling like I’m running out of time to heal these breeches, so I’m dragging my husband & son across country, to spend Christmas with virtual strangers. Thank God, they love me & think I know what I’m doing. If nothing else, it will be an adventure in a new part of the country for us. But deep down, I’m praying that it’s not too late to be a real sister to my brother & sister; that they want the same thing as I do- to be a family. My brother’s call today really gave me hope- he sounds so excited about our visit & is planning several things for us to do together. He said they are all planning on meeting us at the train station, even our Dad, who will be arriving the day before we do. I’m getting weepy just thinking about spending Christmas Eve with my family, meeting my nephew for the first time, getting to know my brother-in-law & maybe his daughter as well. Therefore, dear friends, please hold us up in prayer, for traveling mercies, decent weather, calmed fears, & open hearts.